The last few weeks have been difficult. Well actually, the last 9 and a half weeks have been difficult. I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm screwing up. I want to set Griffin up for the best possible future that I can, as I'm sure every parent does with their children. It took us awhile, but we've got breastfeeding down and it continues to go well, so I know that nutritionally at least I'm doing the best by him that I can. We are stimulating him by talking, with songs, toys and on play mats. We've introduced him to new experiences - going for walks outside, swimming at the pool. So...hopefully we are doing the best by him intellectually as well.
However, each of these things started with me doubting that I was doing the right thing, then reading, researching, taking classes, or talking to friends about the topic (or all of the above). I want to do the RIGHT things. I want to set Griffin up for success, starting right from the beginning. The problem is that there is so much conflicting information and advice out there, that I don't know how to do the RIGHT thing. I end up doubting myself and my instincts, and I stress that we are doing something wrong.
Sleep is not going well right now, or at least I don't think it is. That's the other problem - I don't know what's normal or what to expect at different stages. Currently, Griffin will only nap in the swing. We went through a week or so where he would only sleep in it at night as well. Thankfully, he is back in his crib at night, for the most part anyway. However, it takes a full hour of rocking, nursing, patting, singing, shushing, and soothing to get him to sleep at night. Every night. Sleep is very inconsistent at this point.
Being the type of person that I am, I like to do things right, I need to do them right. I think one reason motherhood is so hard is that, as I'm learning, there is no one right way to do things. What's right for one baby, mom, or family may not be right for the next one. What's right one day may not be right the next day.
The newborn stage is difficult, as I'm sure each stage of childhood and parenting is. I guess I can only hope that as time goes on, I feel more confident in my abilities as a mother and that I don't' screw Griffin up too badly. I sometimes feel the same way about parenting as I did about my very first class. I've learned so much about being a teacher and about my own abilities since that first class 5 years ago, and I sometimes feel like I may have done those students a disservice. Then I remember that my students that year, and I believe every year, were happy and felt valued and important and that's what really matters. So even though my teaching practices and class activities have changed and have improved student learning, hopefully how my students have felt about coming to our classroom every day and how I've made them feel is what has been consistent, and hopefully this is what they'll remember. I suppose parenting is the same way. As long as Griffin knows we love him and we do everything we can to make him feel safe and secure, we are doing the best we can.
P.S. - I didn't write this post looking for comments from others to make myself feel better. Just sharing my struggles and getting it down (I was going to say on paper, but I suppose digitally would be more correct) has helped me work through how I feel on the rough days and remember what is really important.
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