Severe Sleep Deprivation, Postpartum Depression, or Both?

The month of April was extremely difficult for me. Griffin seemed to be crying all the time, sleeping very poorly (even more than usual), and smiling or playing for such a short amount of time, and then back to fussing again. His lack of sleep led to my lack of sleep and it all spiralled down from there. I found myself thinking that I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to go back to work. Riley could stay home with Griffin. I just wanted a break. I found myself questioning whether I was really cut out for motherhood - perhaps I didn't want to do this after all.

As my thoughts turned darker and I became less able to cope with Griffin's fussing and crying, I wondered if this was postpartum depression. Was ppd at play when you wished you hadn't had a baby? When you yelled at your crying baby to stop crying and just go to sleep? When every ability you thought you had as a mother seemed to be torn down? I wasn't sure if I was in fact depressed, or if severe sleep deprivation was playing with my brain, personality, and coping mechanisms. Maybe it was a bit of both. But it was clear I needed to do something about it.

First of all, I talked to my mom - she's always there to listen and give me honest feedback when I ask for it. I also talked to a friend at my mom's group - she had dealt with ppd with her second child and knew what I was going through. Talking to her really helped, as I knew that I wasn't the only who had ever felt like this before. I also talked to Riley about how I was feeling and found the support I needed from him.

Lastly, I looked into placenta encapsulation. I wasn't sure if I was going to include this part in my blog post, as I know how some people perceive this, but I decided that if this blog was to act as my online journal, then I needed to talk about it. There is a lot of research behind the benefits of placenta encapsulation and we kept my placenta after our home birth for this reason. Up until recently, I didn't think we'd need to use it. Now I'm not so sure. Did you know that humans are the only mammal that doesn't consume their placenta after birth? Here is a link to just one of many great websites with more information: http://placentabenefits.info/biological.asp

While trying to decide whether to do the placenta encapsulation or not, I am still taking other measures to deal with how I've been feeling. I'm trying to take people up on their offers to watch Griffin for a few hours so I can get some sleep during the day. I'm also trying to remember to be patient - my head tells me that it won't be like this forever, but in the middle of the night, when I'm getting up for the 6th time, it can be difficult to have patience.

In the meantime, I'm still extremely sleep deprived and have decided that if I am ever brave enough to have another baby, I will definitely do placenta encapsulation right away. If nothing else, maybe it will improve my coping mechanisms when I am once again suffering through severe sleep deprivation.

I am thankful that I have a healthy, (mostly) happy baby and I don't regret becoming a mother. Patience is definitely a virtue, as they say, and I am trying to have more of it. When I think about the possibility of being this sleep deprived for a year or more, I get a little panicky, so one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time) helps. I still don't know if I have ppd or if I am just a victim of severe sleep deprivation, but for now, I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is that I love my baby and that I try to be the best mom I can be by taking offers of help, being patient, and remembering that there are others our there worse off than me.