A Reflection on the Year's Challenges and Joys

This post isn't really a reflection on the year 2011, even though January is typically a time I might do this. Instead, today's date specifically has brought on this need to write. The problem I faced this morning was that  I couldn't decide which topic to write about; there were two that I wanted to share my thoughts on. I decided to combine them into one post. I titled this post "Challenges and Joys" because I have both to share. I'll start with the challenges, or one in particular.


As I reflect on today's date, January 20th, I'm brought back to where I was a year ago on this date; how I was feeling and what was happening in my life. Just before Christmas 2010, Riley and I discovered we were expecting. We were thrilled and even though it was still very early, we were excited to share the news with our immediate families - all of whom were also very excited. The baby's estimated date of arrival was August 25, 2011 - which worked out perfectly with the school year and my work schedule (if you know me well, you'd think I had planned it that way :).


Right from the start of this pregnancy, I felt like something was off. I didn't really have any morning sickness (I know some people don't, but this felt like a sign that something might not be right), and for some reason I couldn't picture the little baby that we should be meeting at the end of this pregnancy. Without going into all the details of the next few weeks, I'll just share that we had some signs early on that the pregnancy may not be viable, and after several extremely difficult days we received confirmation by ultrasound that there was indeed no heartbeat to be found. I miscarried on January 20th at 9 weeks gestation, after taking some medication that would make this happen so we didn't have to wait for it to pass naturally (which could have taken days, if not weeks).


This was easily the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. My emotions were all over the place during those couple of weeks. When we found out I was pregnant, I was elated. Once I started experiencing some signs that something might be wrong, I was terrified. After the ultrasound that confirmed there was no heartbeat, I was heartbroken, distraught. And by the end, I just wanted it to be over. The weeks leading up to January 20th were extremely trying - I think not knowing was the worst part. For two weeks, we were left wondering if by the end of all of this we would be having a baby or starting over. It turns out we would have to start over. I was asked afterwards if I regretted telling people so early that I was pregnant. My answer was not at all because we were able to grieve with our families and to draw on them for support. I knew that when I became pregnant again, I would want to do the same thing...and we did.


On March 17, 2011 we found out for the second time that we were expecting. I felt the same joy and a new fear, but overall I had a better feeling about this pregnancy right from the start. The pregnancy was normal - I experienced morning sickness, fatigue, swollen feet, and lack of sleep, among other unpleasant symptoms. Even though I'm sure I complained at times (Riley would attest to this), I tried to stay grounded by reminding myself how thankful I was for this pregnancy and for the healthy baby that was growing inside me. When I was awoken early this morning, for the 3rd time, by my one-month old son wailing, I was humbled by how lucky Riley and I are to have this healthy, perfect little person in our lives. Although I tend to cringe at such cliche sayings, in this case I do believe that everything happens for a reason. The miscarriage and heartache we experienced a year ago has made me even more grateful for what I have today - baby Griffin and my little family. This is where the joy comes in.